Dating Advice for Men

Dating: Fight your way through the horror!

Sometimes a man needs the touch of a woman and not just in his Special Place but also in nice places like his arm or back. It’s easy to forget that us women are people too, what with our hair and legs and hormone rages, but we are! Don’t be afraid. Honestly, don’t!

When the urge arises for a woman’s company, as a man you can pay for it, of course you can but why not try getting it for a fraction of the cost simply by following a few simple rules?

Asking A Woman Out

  1. Eye contact is important but remember to blink. An unblinking stare says ‘I hurt animals.’
  2. Yes, her breasts are warm and inviting but when asking a woman out you must pretend she does not have them. Do not look at them or acknowledge their existence in any way (this includes trying to brush against one with your arm).
  3. Ask her for ‘dinner’; do not ask her for a ‘sticky spankathon aboard the good ship <insert name you call your penis>’.  It’ll pay off in the long run!

She Said Yes! DON’T PANIC.

On the date, avoiding these common mistakes will help you get as far into her garments as you want to. Even if that’s just upstairs outside but if that is all you want, quickly look at a picture of a naked man to check you’re not a Gay.

  1. Don’t compliment her breasts in any way. ‘That top really accentuates your excellent tits’ may SOUND nice in your head but it will make her think you’re the one who’s been going through her bins.
  2. Don’t ask to see a picture of her mother.
  3. Don’t make pig noises when she has a bread roll.
  4. Don’t spike her drink. Try drugging her with charm!
  5. Don’t show her your genitals. If she wants to see them, she’ll ask.
  6. Tip the waiter, not your date (no matter how grateful you are).
  7. ‘Going Dutch’ means paying for half the meal each. She’s not inviting you to have sex on a houseboat (however if you find yourself later doing sex at her on a houseboat, feel free to make a joke about this).
  8. If she mentions children/marriage/settling down, weigh up her obvious insanity and desperation against how hot she is to see whether you should run or stay. Remember, no looking at her tits!
  9. If you’re lucky enough to get a goodnight kiss, don’t be too rapey e.g. don’t poke her in the thigh with it.
  10. Don’t say you’re going to call her again if you’re not. Unless she doesn’t have your phone number or last name in which case, tell her whatever you like.

Follow these steps and your sexy lady date will undoubtedly find you as erudite, charming and alluring as your mother does. Good luck!

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