When I was around twelve years old I had train track braces, a corkscrew perm and had just started noticing boys for reasons other than one had thrown my bag over the science block or yanked my ponytail in the playground. It was slowly dawning on me that the approaching teenage years held great potential for sulking, mood swings and obsessional behaviour. Amidst all this I was given an album, Now That’s What I Call Angst or whatever, with a selection of tracks seemingly hand-picked to coincide with my coming of age. For example, Boys by Sabrina (remember the video? Oh yes you do), Can I Play With Madness? by Iron Maiden and the pinnacle, the jewel in the crown of this appallingly inappropriate cheese-fest; Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc.
Have you listened to that song recently? If not, set aside four minutes and eight seconds of your life and you’ll discover that what we have here is a rap record advocating early use of Rohyphnol in the pursuit of getting laid. Loc casually buys a mysterious substance from some dude draped in glassy-eyed ‘hos in a bar one night and proceeds to pepper every woman he meets with this potentially fatal narcotic.
Cleverly, Loc doesn’t just wait for the victims to come to him. He decides to increase his chances of roofie-rumpy by applying to be a contestant on the American equivalent of Blind Date. He is accepted onto the show and despite the fact that any girl on a dating show is probably a safe bet, he decides to drug the girl who picks him. He can’t have thought that through in my opinion. Surely she’d mention it the following week when they popped back to the Love Connection for a chat about the date. “Well, dinner was lovely but I don’t remember much about the horse back riding on the beach. I am quite sore though…”
As if that weren’t bad enough, in an act of animal cruelty that would have the RSPCA weeping into their polyester shirt sleeves, he drugs his own dog causing it to be gang-raped by the local hounds in a Medina-induced frenzy. Loc’s logic that female dog equals female human in all but number of legs probably goes some way to explaining why he feels he needs to drug women in the first place.
The only highlight of the song is that in a situation reminiscent of a scene from Crocodile Dundee, he encounters a transvestite (‘Sheena’ – a dead giveaway for anyone but the sex-blind Loc) and fails to realise it’s a man. Only when the old boy comes out does he realise the potential pitfalls of dosing all and sundry with the monstrous Medina (Medina, incidentally, is a city in the Hejaz region of western Saudi Arabia – apparently nothing to do with love potions or novelty rap). Additionally, we never find out why it has to be cold.
Tone Loc may have written the song as a cautionary tale to all about the dangers of drugging helpless women in bars so that they’re ‘good to go’ but given the current rampant abuse of the drug, I would say he failed. I have a suspicion his dubious turn in Ace Ventura Pet Detective was merely the result of a community service order on the way to well-deserved obscurity. Tone Loc, where are you now?