Stickileaks

The leaks you won’t read about in The Guardian…because they’re not true.

1. In 1953, the Queen Mother’s daughter Elizabeth was crowned Queen. Or so everyone thought. The truth is, the Queen Mother had for a long time been experimenting with cloning techniques involving dandruff and Bombay Sapphire. After a few false starts in which she created not only the world’s first dyslexic goldfish but also a unicorn (from which she removed the horn and entered it into the 3.30 at Chepstow under the name ‘Grandpa’s Colossal Sausage’), she managed to create a baby in a jar and raise it as her daughter. That jar-baby is now the woman we call ‘Your Highjesty’ or, less formally, ‘Your Majness’.

2. When David Cameron became Prime Minister, Barack Obama changed his phone number and to this day has refused all of Cameron’s friend requests on Facebook.

3. When Bill Clinton was president, he famously admitted to having an ‘improper relationship’ with the intern, Monica Lewinsky. In fact, the Monica Lewinsky scandal or ‘Stain-gate’ as no one dubbed it at the time was a smoke screen for far more sinister goings on in the Oval Office. The truth is that while the world was distracted by tales of cigars, sex splodges and Monica’s ludicrously big hair, the US government was secretly plotting to invade Cornwall. Their plan was thwarted however, when a plucky young fisherman attacked and killed three American spies in Helston. He didn’t know they were spies at the time, he thought they were trying to steal his pasty but word reached American shores that the Cornish were cable-knit wearing mentalists, willing to kill for some minced beef and potato in a pastry shoe, and the project was deemed too great a risk. It was abandoned and Bill Clinton was left to carry the can.

4. In the most cryptic cable, it is revealed that King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has never heard of Girls Aloud but is quite partial to a bit of Kylie but only that which she recorded “before Hutchence pickled her with drugs, experimental sex and leather-bound hairdos”.

5. Silvio Berlusconi actually died ten years ago. His corpse is powered by fourteen AA batteries and held together with a potent mixture of creosote, wood varnish and matted hair. His voice is provided by Steve Coogan who has recorded an amazing 700,000 different sentences for every conceivable occasion. The most frequently used is ‘No honestly it’s fine my dear, I’m the Prime Minister’.

6. According to unofficial research by the British government, you actually CAN lick your elbows but if you do, you immediately have to eat them both under a law passed in 1785 which is still enforced today. Interestingly, the same law states that if you can find the elbows on a dog, you can have it.

7. In 2004, Kim Jong Il bet that he could juggle fifteen catfish while whistling the German national anthem. He lost that bet and as a result, North Korea has since been an official suburb of Stockport.

8. There are no real banks in Switzerland. When money was transferred to a Swiss ‘bank’ it was immediately transferred over to Colonel Sanders to fund research into new ways to mangle chicken bits and cover them in breadcrumbs. Once he’d created ‘Popcorn Chicken’, which he considered the pinnacle of his life’s work, the money was redirected into funding the X Factor tour.

9. Sir Francis Drake never existed but was actually created in 1943 as ‘the face of the potato’ to make them seem more romantic to the war-weary public (originally, Drake was going to be called ‘Captain Spud’). In actual fact, potatoes were invented by Jeff Potato as an alternative fuel to coal which was rationed at the time. The first person to actually eat one was Claire ‘Crazy Eyes’ Barnfield in 1947 who slathered it in lard and swallowed it whole. It’s thanks to ‘Crazy Eyes’ that when a potato has gone a bit weird and repellent, the tiny sprouts are referred to as ‘eyes’.

10. Boris Johnson is actually an android, created in Japan and released into society in Britain to see whether its level of A.I. was strong enough to cope with every day life. Sadly it malfunctioned and was unable to pass as a human being. The ‘Boris Bot’ as it was referred to in the cables, was considered only fit for satirical panel shows and local politics.

Stickileaks: Making up the truth so you don’t have to.

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5 thoughts on “Stickileaks

  1. You missed a couple off the bottom;

    -All of Limahl’s trousers are made of glass.
    -Noel Edmonds was the result of a dreadful experiment where scientists created both male and female versions of a genetically identical fucking idiot and attempted to get them to produce offspring.
    -Tony Blair once did so much coke that he became intensely paranoid about Iraq and decided to invade it just in case, even though his mates were telling him to calm down and leave it. He later appeared on TV telling people what a ‘fucking brilliant’ idea it was and how sexy and cool he is.

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