KFC: Saving our lives one bun at a time

Following a successful launch in the US last year, KFC is introducing its bread-free burger to Australia. ‘The Double’ was apparently made to target ‘carb-conscious’ customers, having had all traces of bread meticulously removed. This wasn’t an easy process. Given the toxic and unstable nature of bread, especially in ‘bun’ form, it took a team of highly trained scientists in full protective body suits three days to successfully remove all the bread with only minimal damage to human health and the local plants and wildlife. The buns were then transported to a remote, uninhabited island and destroyed in a controlled explosion.

Carb-phobic consumers are praising the eradication of the terrifying and unholy bread bun which has been replaced by a ‘meat bun’  constructed from two nutritious, carb-free fillets of deep-fried farm bird.

As you can see from this picture, The Double offers a healthy alternative to those who are so frightened of carbs they can’t stand near a fruit salad without sweating and falling over. KFC were quick to assure those customers worried about the extreme likelihood of immediately gaining 7 or 8lbs on consumption of this festival of meat, that it only contains an estimated 540 kcals. However, tests have since been carried out on the breaded artery candy and it was found to contain closer to 1,200 kcals. A spokesman for KFC said, “Look, it was a ballpark figure but have you seen the KFC company ballpark? It’s the size of Vancouver. Actually, it is Vancouver.”

Having already astounded the world with its innovative ‘Popcorn Chicken’ (tiny breast fillets removed from chicken embryos in the egg by laser-scalpel and deep fried before the mummy chicken knows what’s happened), and now having saved us all from bread, KFC today announced its latest project. A spokesman for the chicken-mangling multinational said “It’s long been a dream of ours to minimise the damage we’re doing to the world’s dwindling chicken population and we’ve found a way to do that. Given the shortened life span most of our regular customers can expect, we’ve refined our cooking processes and employed in-store surgeons. They’ll remove your heart in under 40 seconds, flash fry it with the Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices and serve it back to you in a sandwich made from your own severed, breaded hands. This not only gives customers the fat-clogged death they so obviously crave much faster than they’d normally achieve it, but it also means we don’t have to hurt any more fucking defenceless chickens. Sometimes I see their beaks in my dreams. It’s just horrible.”

There are currently no plans to introduce The Double to the UK market. Our national love of toast, despite its toxicity and sometimes life-threatening side effects, means we’re less likely to be receptive towards a foodstuff that doesn’t include bread of some kind. A spokesman for The British Bread Council said “Look, the bottom line is, bread is great. These so-called carb-conscious twats can gang up with the whiny wheat and gluten intolerant LIARS and bugger themselves with a baguette. KFC are mad if they think any of us want this monstrous offence against God blighting our high streets.”

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3 thoughts on “KFC: Saving our lives one bun at a time

  1. Pingback: BlogsAloud, Episode 4 NSFW: TheDollSays | BlogsAloud Podcast

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